I’m a human, dangit

So I put in my resignation a few days ago.  And as expected, it was a total shock to a lot of people.

I heard, secondhand, that one of the project managers I work with was discussing this with another, and all he could say was “wow. We’re losing a great resource.”  I replied that I’m a human being, not a coal mine or a library.

That’s the corporate mentality.  We are all just “resources” to be drawn upon as needed.  When one is no longer available, it just means its time to find another one somewhere.  If one is no longer needed, we get rid of it.

Is it any wonder the pro-life movement has so many roadblocks?  If we can’t even recognize an adult worker as a human being, how are we going to recognize an unborn child as the same?

 

Saving, err Going Green

A fictional corporate memo.

On this Earth Day, I wanted to take the opportunity to remind you all of our deep committment to environmental awareness here at XYZ Corp.  We are committed to being as green as possible in the interest of preserving our fragile Earth for generations to come.  No doubt you have all been thoroughly immersed in all of our efforts, but I thought I’d remind you of the following, just to once again pound home the idea that we care about the Earth.

• All of our printers are set to print double sided as a default, in the name of saving the environment.  We also highly recommend that you change your printer settings to not print cover pages, to again save our trees.  Trees are important to save.  As an added bonus, we cut our paper budget in half by being green here.
• The majority of the conference rooms and office have motion-activated light switches.  Lights turn on when motion is detected, and turn off after a few minutes of inactivity.  We can save lots of energy by having the lights go out when nobody is using them, which saves valuable natural resources.  Oh yeah, it saves on the electric bill too.
• All employees have been issued canvas sacks to take to the cafeteria to hold our food instead of having to get a tray. This saves water and electricity by not having to wash and sanitize a bunch of trays, which shows just how much XYZ cares about conservation of precious resources like water.  (And, we don’t need to hire someone to collect trays and wash them.)  That we serve all food in plastic or stryofoam plates and containers that pile up in landfills also helps us save our water.
• Paystubs, medical explanations of benefits, annual shareholder reports, W2’s, etc. are all conveniently available for electronic delivery instead of via postal mail.  This saves hundreds of thousands of trees every year.  As I mentioned before, saving trees is important.  By not actually mailing out all these papers, we help to eliminate dangerous global warming.  And hey, we’ve got an additional perk in the hundreds of thousands of dollars we save by not having to pay for postage.
• Our Facilities Department is also concerned about our natural resources as well.  We’ve made changes in all our buildings to keep them at 55 degrees in the winter, and 83 degrees in the summer.  Yes, some people are quite uncomfortable, especially the gentlemen who wear neckties in the summer and the ladies who wear miniskirts and sleeveless tops in winter, but in doing this we are saving tons of oil and natural gas so that our great-grandchildren will be able to enjoy these important fossil fuels.  There’s a rumor going around that this move was done to save on the HVAC bill.  I assure you this is not the case.  We’re all about being good environmental stewards here.

We care about our planet, and will anything we can to help save it, provided it is fiscally feasible.

Thanks for all your support of our green initiatives.

 

Reorganization

Every couple of weeks lately we’ve been receiving memos at work announcing some reorganizations and restructurings within the upper echelons.  Things like “so-and-so is moving on to other opportunities.  X will assume responsibility for the team going forward.”  Or “to better align our resources, we are making the following changes: X will now assume overall responsibility for abc.  Y will take over X’s old job while still working on his current job, though part of it will transition to W in the next few months.”  The new org chart looks about as convoluted as a map of roads and settlements in  Settlers of Catan.  And a few weeks later it changes again.  I’m sure anyone who has been in the corporate world has seen such things.  Makes you wonder how any bigshots actually get any work done, since they’re so busy transitioning their duties to others all the time.

So, I wondered what it might be like in the hereafter.  And so I got to work imagining a corporate restructuring memo from Heaven.

*************

MEMO

To:  All Angels (of all levels) and Saints

From: Gabriel the Archangel, Vice-President of Communications

Date: Now [because Heaven is an Eternal Now]

Re: Organizational announcement

With the recent canonizations of several new saints and the naming of several more beati, the following organizational changes will take place to further streamline our efficiencies and to strive toward our goals.

I’m pleased to announce that Teresa of Calcutta is being assigned full-time to the Missionaries department.  She will focus primarily on combatting the continued loss of faith in Europe and in the United States.  Joining Teresa will be John Neumann and Elizabeth Seton to head up the the United States effort, and John Paul (nee Karol) Wojtyla to head up the European effort.  Therese of Lisieux will remain the principal patron of missionaries and will work closely with Teresa, John, Liz, and JP.

Teresa’s current duties in the Poor and Sick department will be assumed by Anthony of Padua and Martin de Porres pending the canonization of Damien of Moloki.  Juan Diego is being promoted to manager in the poor indigenous peoples department and will collaborate extensively with Katharine Drexel.  Raphael the Archangel will continue to provide oversight. 

We anticipate continued growth in the Missionaries department.  Anyone interested in a transfer should discuss with Personnel.  A class is also forming within Purgatory for eventual assignment, pending completion of all necessary purgation.

Please join me in wishing all of these individuals the best of luck in their new roles.

 

EWTN in the Office

So the new building we work at has LCD TVs in the cafeteria and in several of the break rooms.  I popped into one of the break rooms to refill my water jug, and hear the sound of a bell.  As in it sounds like Sanctus Bells.  I’m thinking, what the heck is that?

I turn to look at the TV and see the Mass on EWTN!  The priests were receiving Communion at the time, and the choir was getting ready to start the Communion chant.  There was nobody else in the room at the time, so I couldn’t see who set the TV to EWTN.

So, now I want to know who in this office is a sufficiently devout Catholic to set the TV to EWTN to catch the Mass. 

I’m also waiting for the memo from HR that it will be illegal going forward to watch that channel….

Edit:  Well this is slightly disappointing.  Found out that someone changed the TV to EWTN as a prank.    Since I’m friends with said person, I will not wish him 1,000 years in Purgatory for such a cruel prank.  On the other hand, I might just go into a break room and flip it to EWTN at some point for a little booster.

 

Is there anything sadder or more horrifying than…

…seeing a mid-40’s-ish woman dressing like she’s in her mid-20’s?  Super-short skirt, boots up beyond the knees, low-cut top, all kinds of flashy jewelry.  An outfit that certainly makes a statement, and that statement is “I didnt’ see the sign that said I had left the world of Misses Sportswear and had entered  Juniors department.”

Well, okay, yeah, I suppose there is.  It could be a mid-50’s ish woman dressing like she’s in her mid-20’s.

TLC’s What Not To Wear could probably do an entire season here at work.

 

Corporate Sexism

The company I work for [at least for the next few months anyway] makes a big hoopla about its committment to diversity and inclusion and whatever other nonsense politically correct phrase it can think of to justify the fact that 99% of its highest-paid people are white men.  There’s apparently an “office of diversity” and even a Chief Diversity Officer in the executive circles. 

Being a health insurance company, we also jump on the various bandwagons out there to support various health-related causes.  Hence, things like fundraisers for the Alzheimers’ Association or the MS Foundation among others are part of our corporate culture.

So, when an opportunity to combine “diversity” and “health causes” comes up, I think the powers-that-be get the biggest gleam in their eye.  The bandwagons are mobilized in full force and everyone is urged to jump on in the spirit of supporting the cause and showing our committment to diversity and the health of all Americans.

Such is the case with tomorrow, February 6.  Apparently February is Hearth Health month, and 2/6 is a national “Wear red for women’s heart health” day.  And so for the past couple weeks, we’ve been bombarded with propaganda announcements encouraging us to show our support for ending heart disease in women by wearing something red.  Suggestions included a red dress, a red shirt, red tie, red socks, or a red lapel pin, among other possibilities.

Umm, pardon me, but last I looked, heart disease affects both men and women.  51% of people who died from heart disease in 2005 were women.  I don’t think it’s too illogical to claim that this statistic falls within the margin of error to say that heart disease mortality is evenly split between the sexes.  So why this big hoopla over women’s heart disease?

Where’s the hoopla about heart disease in men?  Nobody has ever suggested that we wear red one day in support of men who have heart disease or to raise awareness of heart disease in men.  Why don’t we get our day?  Why are we discriminated against?  Do we not care about the men who suffer?

Come to think of it, it’s not just women’s heart disease that causes the bandwagon to come to town.  Everyone’s probably realized that that in October it seems you can’t buy anything that doesn’t have a pink ribbon of some sort on it in support of the Susan G. Koman ["Let's support Planned Parenthood so their constant pimping of abortions and the birth control pill can cause more people to get"] Breast Cancer Fund.  Don’t get me wrong, we need to focus on ways to raise awareness about breast cancer and encourage preventive and self-care measures for early detection and whatnot, and certainly look for cures for all types of cancer as wel.

But what’s good for the goose should be good for the gander.  When will we have Testicular Cancer Awareness month?  Why not have a month where everything has blue ribbons on it in support of some male cancer fund?  I’ve seen crass slogans out there on bumper stickers and magnets designed to get people to perform self-exams for breast cancer (e.g. “Feel Your ____” or “Save the ____”) but I’ve yet to see anyone say “probe your posterior” in support of prostate cancer prevention/detection.  Why?

This is an outrage.  Until we have equality in our disease awareness efforts, I will NOT wear red tomorrow.  I will not support the sexist machine!  Equality now!

 

Gift Exchanges

Every year, our department has a “holiday” party.  We usually go to a bowling alley for lunch and bowling (fun fun fun), and then a gift exchange follows.  It’s the pollyanna type where everyone brings a wrapped gift valued between $20 and $25, people draw numbers and then pick or steal gifts in numerical order.

The problem of course is that we have a diverse group of people, and so you would need to find something that “works” for both the hypothetical close-to-retirement male and a fresh-out-of-college female.  So, you usually end up with 3 classes of gifts.  (1) Alcohol  (2) Gift cards (3) random, useless junk that someone brings as a prank. For example, $20 worth of those pine-tree shaped car air fresheners, or a set of novelty Santa Claus undergarments (size small).  Every now and then you get a 4th group consisting of something really creative and thoughtful, but that’s rare. 

Now, if the people who bring useless gag gifts go home with the same category, I’d say okay, haha, so be it.  But that’s not how it ends up of course.  (1) I don’t drink, so a bottle of wine or scotch or a case of beer would be useless to receive.  (2) Why should I bring a $25 gift card to Target just to walk home with a $25 gift card to Best Buy?  I’ll just keep the $25 and spend it how I please.  (3) I don’t want to get burned by some prankster, especially if I am not going to be a prankster myself.

Ergo, I’ve pretty much decided that I will not participate in the gift exchange, and haven’t done so for quite a few years now.  When questioned, I’ll usually say I didn’t have time to get anything to avoid dealing with a ressponse of “you’re no fun.”  True, I’m not.  What else is new?

I just don’t get the rationale behind these pollyanna gift exchanges.  Now, in the interest of disclosure, I’ve been a part of many of them, and have even organized a few.  I’ve gotten stuck with some less-than-desireable things at such events, and I’ve been guilty of regifting some junk as well.  I realize they can be entertaining, and may solve some problems that surface because of the volume of people involved (it’s much easier than a Secret Santa system for instance).

But why do we even have to do a gift exchange in the office?  The mentality seems to be “it’s the holidays, so we must get presents to be ‘in the spirit of the season.’”  Cuz gifts are what the holidays are all about, ya know?  I believe that pollyanna gift exchanges trivialize the whole notion of gift giving.

Has anyone noticed how we’ve gone from GIVING gifts to EXCHANGING gifts?  We seem to want some sort of parity between what is given and what is received on the gift front.  It’s as if we no longer give gifts to people out of love and/or respect.  No, we exchange gifts because it’s the thing-to-do.  To make matters worse we hide behind cloaks of anonyminity when we do it.

Phooey. 

If I’m going to give someone a gift for whatever reason, I want to pick out something that I think that person will enjoy or find useful.  Not just a gift for gift’s sake.   The whole meaning is lost when one has to buy something — anything — for a complete stranger.  It’s not a gift then.

So, rather than participate in the pollyanna, I will simply sit it out again this year.  And I’m not hiding behind a lame excuse this year either.  And if that makes me no fun, then I will wear that badge with pride.

 

Received at work…

NOTICE

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

 

I’m going to take up a collection

Several of my neighbors in the cubicle farm apparently have really old cell phones.  So old that they were made before they had that new-fangled “vibrate” feature added that allows the ringer to remain silent while still alerting the callee that he/she has a call.  Oddly enough, they are new enough that they have some really funky, very loud, ring tones though. This is okay if they’re there and can pick it up right away; but invariably the most obnoxious rings happen when nobody is there to answer the phone.

So, to remedy this situation, I’d like to take up a collection so that these pour souls might be able to have a more modern phone.  One where they can turn off the ringer.  If you have an old phone you’d like to donate, please let me know and I’ll make arrangements to pick it up.

I mean, I’m assuming the underlying cause is that these folks don’t have the financial means to get new phone.  It couldn’t be that they’re just rude, could it?

 

Service — be prepared to groan

Talking to a coworker about how long I’ve been at the company (longer than most of the peons in my department and probably many of the managers — which is an interesting story unto itself), a comment was made about working here being indentured servitude.

Not really, I said. I have all my own natural teeth, so I’m not indentured.