A must see…

http://catholicvoteaction.org/index.php

Just watch the video.

(P.S. Yeah, it’s been ages since I’ve posted.  Been busy.)

 

If I-ran the Country

Hearing bits and pieces about what all is going on in Iran right now with the presidential ballot problems, and various journalists and pundits discussing what the U.S. response is, should be, or should have been, I thought I’d let my imagination run wild and determine what kind of response some recent Presidents (and wannabe presidents) would have.

Reagan:  If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for Iran and for the Middle East, then, Mr. Supreme Leader, recount those votes!

Bush (41):  Read my lips: no new political or military actions.

Clinton:  Now I want you to listen to me.  I’m not going to say this again: I did NOT have political relations with that country, Iran.  I never told anybody to protest, not a single time.  Never.  These allegations are false.

Bush (43):  What?  Trouble in Iran?  Nuke them.  I don’t care what it takes.  Get every gun, every plane, every piece of artillery and get them over that country. America is threatened by these yahoos, and we’re gonna protect ourselves by wiping out everyone else.  Just let me  at ‘em, they’re going to regret messin’ with George Dubya.

Obama:  Well, we’re going to have to have a dialogue here.  And mark my words, I’ll be adding to the agenda this whole election counting issue.  I definitely think we need to chat about this.  And after some dialogue, we can talk a little more and see if it gets anywhere.  And if that doesn’t work, we’ll send over a few billion dollars in stimulus money in an attempt to continue our efforts at dialogue.

A few others:

Al Gore:  At first I wasn’t going to comment because I’m not sure I can link this issue in Iran to global warming.  And after reading all about this on the Internet (which I helped invent), I really can’t make any statements.  I mean, I have no experience whatsoever of losing an election and then raising a giant stink by alleging voter fraud and miscounting and conspiracies.

John Kerry:  I don’t have much to comment on.  But I served in Vietnam.

 

Wet sock

This afternoon while walking outside through a rain-soaked parking lot, I felt a strange wet sensation on the bottom of my foot.  Further inspection showed that the bottom of my left shoe had worn down to the point that there was now a crack in it, allowing water to seep through.  And hence, my wet foot.

So, this weekend will bring with it a new adventure in shoe shopping.  Joy.

Meanwhile, I think I need to clarify my prayers a bit.  Someone up there got a little confused when I was praying for a holy soul.  Instead, I got a holey sole.

 

Swine Flu II

Heard a great one at work today that I’m sure a certain friend would appreciate.

Swine flu.  Is that the past tense of ‘When Pigs Fly”?

I’ll wait for you to stop groaning before I go on.  Ready?  Good.

Here’s the kicker though.  I’m wondering if it’s actually happened.  Pigs may actually have flown.  Witness:

• America has elected a Black President.
• Bishops are actually taking a certain “Catholic” University to task for honoring a horribly pro-abortion president with an honorary degree.
• The U.S. government, which fought Socialism for the better part of the 20th centry, now owns the better part of several financial institutions and major corporations.
• Arlen Specter has finally stopped pretending to be a Republican.

I don’t know, it just seems like 5 years ago, if you would have asked any American if any of the above — or any of a number of other current events – would ever happen, the response would be “when pigs fly.”

Swine flu.  And here we are.  Wonder what’ll happen when  Hell freezes.

 

Saving, err Going Green

A fictional corporate memo.

On this Earth Day, I wanted to take the opportunity to remind you all of our deep committment to environmental awareness here at XYZ Corp.  We are committed to being as green as possible in the interest of preserving our fragile Earth for generations to come.  No doubt you have all been thoroughly immersed in all of our efforts, but I thought I’d remind you of the following, just to once again pound home the idea that we care about the Earth.

• All of our printers are set to print double sided as a default, in the name of saving the environment.  We also highly recommend that you change your printer settings to not print cover pages, to again save our trees.  Trees are important to save.  As an added bonus, we cut our paper budget in half by being green here.
• The majority of the conference rooms and office have motion-activated light switches.  Lights turn on when motion is detected, and turn off after a few minutes of inactivity.  We can save lots of energy by having the lights go out when nobody is using them, which saves valuable natural resources.  Oh yeah, it saves on the electric bill too.
• All employees have been issued canvas sacks to take to the cafeteria to hold our food instead of having to get a tray. This saves water and electricity by not having to wash and sanitize a bunch of trays, which shows just how much XYZ cares about conservation of precious resources like water.  (And, we don’t need to hire someone to collect trays and wash them.)  That we serve all food in plastic or stryofoam plates and containers that pile up in landfills also helps us save our water.
• Paystubs, medical explanations of benefits, annual shareholder reports, W2’s, etc. are all conveniently available for electronic delivery instead of via postal mail.  This saves hundreds of thousands of trees every year.  As I mentioned before, saving trees is important.  By not actually mailing out all these papers, we help to eliminate dangerous global warming.  And hey, we’ve got an additional perk in the hundreds of thousands of dollars we save by not having to pay for postage.
• Our Facilities Department is also concerned about our natural resources as well.  We’ve made changes in all our buildings to keep them at 55 degrees in the winter, and 83 degrees in the summer.  Yes, some people are quite uncomfortable, especially the gentlemen who wear neckties in the summer and the ladies who wear miniskirts and sleeveless tops in winter, but in doing this we are saving tons of oil and natural gas so that our great-grandchildren will be able to enjoy these important fossil fuels.  There’s a rumor going around that this move was done to save on the HVAC bill.  I assure you this is not the case.  We’re all about being good environmental stewards here.

We care about our planet, and will anything we can to help save it, provided it is fiscally feasible.

Thanks for all your support of our green initiatives.

 

Women Religious of Today

News is out that the Holy See has decided to launch a doctrinal investigation into a variety of women’s religious orders.  This is in addition to a quality of life investigation to be undertaken as well.

Sisters around the world are shaking in their orthotic shoes.  It’s possible that Rome is finally realizing what a whacked-out group of tired old hippie feminazis so many of them have become.

We have learned exclusively that the leaders of several dozen larger communities are organizing a convention to discuss the impact these visitations to have, and to get together in solidarity for what may be trying times.  As part of the convention, whose working title is “Standing up for Vatican II: It’s Spirit May Be Fading, but Ours Isn’t,” someone composed an anthem, which will be sung each day during various gatherings.

A copy of this anthem has been leaked, and is presented below the fold.

 

Woman Caught in Adultery

I was reminded of one of my favorite jokes during today’s Gospel.

Jesus was teaching in the Temple area.  The Scribes and Pharisees brought before Him a woman who had been caught in adultery.  They said they were going to stone her in accordance with the law of Moses and wanted Jesus’s opinion.  Jesus realizes that they’re trying to test Him, and also sees a very good teaching moment here.  So first he bent down and began to write on the ground with His finger.  Then He said “let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone.”  The elders all stood there dumbfounded and began to walk away.  Suddenly a huge rock comes flying through the air and hits the adulteress square between the eyes, knocking her down, dead.

Jesus rolled His eyes, looks out into the crowd, breathed a huge sigh, and said, “Muuuuhhhh-theeeerrr, I was trying to make a point here!”

 

Reorganization

Every couple of weeks lately we’ve been receiving memos at work announcing some reorganizations and restructurings within the upper echelons.  Things like “so-and-so is moving on to other opportunities.  X will assume responsibility for the team going forward.”  Or “to better align our resources, we are making the following changes: X will now assume overall responsibility for abc.  Y will take over X’s old job while still working on his current job, though part of it will transition to W in the next few months.”  The new org chart looks about as convoluted as a map of roads and settlements in  Settlers of Catan.  And a few weeks later it changes again.  I’m sure anyone who has been in the corporate world has seen such things.  Makes you wonder how any bigshots actually get any work done, since they’re so busy transitioning their duties to others all the time.

So, I wondered what it might be like in the hereafter.  And so I got to work imagining a corporate restructuring memo from Heaven.

*************

MEMO

To:  All Angels (of all levels) and Saints

From: Gabriel the Archangel, Vice-President of Communications

Date: Now [because Heaven is an Eternal Now]

Re: Organizational announcement

With the recent canonizations of several new saints and the naming of several more beati, the following organizational changes will take place to further streamline our efficiencies and to strive toward our goals.

I’m pleased to announce that Teresa of Calcutta is being assigned full-time to the Missionaries department.  She will focus primarily on combatting the continued loss of faith in Europe and in the United States.  Joining Teresa will be John Neumann and Elizabeth Seton to head up the the United States effort, and John Paul (nee Karol) Wojtyla to head up the European effort.  Therese of Lisieux will remain the principal patron of missionaries and will work closely with Teresa, John, Liz, and JP.

Teresa’s current duties in the Poor and Sick department will be assumed by Anthony of Padua and Martin de Porres pending the canonization of Damien of Moloki.  Juan Diego is being promoted to manager in the poor indigenous peoples department and will collaborate extensively with Katharine Drexel.  Raphael the Archangel will continue to provide oversight. 

We anticipate continued growth in the Missionaries department.  Anyone interested in a transfer should discuss with Personnel.  A class is also forming within Purgatory for eventual assignment, pending completion of all necessary purgation.

Please join me in wishing all of these individuals the best of luck in their new roles.

 

Courage

I gave the PREP kids a retest the other week as a second chance to get the Gifts of the Holy Spirit and 10 Commandments right, since they did relatively poorly on their test.  I guess I’m a nice guy like that.

I decided to concoct two scenarios that they might face in real life , and ask them questions about the Gifts and Commandments.  Situation 1 was you’re with a group of friends and they want to sneak into a movie without paying and asked what Gift they would use to determine that doing so is wrong, and what would help them stand up to peer pressure.  Then I asked what Commandment they would break if they snuck in.

One student answered “#6.  Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.”  Hmmmmm, the way some people act in theaters, that may be possible.  Likewise if the movie were rated R or NC-17, there’s a possibility too.

Scenario 2 involved going to Mass each week.  To demonstrate piety, I asked what Gift of the Holy Spirit you employ when you actively participate and join in singing the songs at Mass.

One student answered fortitude/courage.

I gave him full credit.

 

Inauguration Day

Watching the media hoopla leading up to today, I half expect to see news reporters lead the throngs of people in D.C. in cutting palm branches off of the trees and lining the streets of the parade route while singing Hosanna, to celebrate their king’s trimphant entry into Washington.  Then again, palm trees don’t grow in D.C. so maybe they’ll use the branches of the cherry blossom trees instead.

So, being ever liturgically-minded, there should be some appropriate processional songs to go with the parade.  While it’d be most appropriate to parody “Hosana Filio David” the Latin would probably drive all the liberals batty, so instead we should dust off the old Palm Sunday staple: All Glory Laud and Honor.

Refrain:
All Glory, Laud, and Honor
To You Barack Hussein!
Whose Coming into Office
Is the Devil’s Gain.

You’re likely not legitimate
A floosie’s for’n-born son.
Who through some great deception
A hot election won.
(Refrain)

The company of liberals
Are praising you on high
And we who know much better
Just mutter a deep sigh.
(Refrain)

The people of the media
Bowed down where’er you went
Their bias and their favors
From God made you seem sent.
(Refrain)

You pledge to make it legal
To kill our unborn babes.
No rights for unborn people
As in the days of slaves.
(Refrain)

Welfare grant for the lazy
And subsidies great and small.
Nobody ever cared to ask
How you’ll pay for it all.
(Refrain)

Rather than ask you why you want
Gestapo police squads;
Instead they just showed pictures
Of your bare-chested bod.
(Refrain)

Satan is surely laughing
At the U. S. of A
Men of good will will suffer
And 4 years fast and pray.
(Refrain)