Spam

Every day, my junk e-mail account gets at least half a dozen spam emails, all from the same group of organizations.  The subjects are almost invariably the following:

• Find Christian Singles in your area now
• Great Work from home opportunities available
• Free trial of [insert whatever Oprah currently claims is the secret to great health and good looks]

Let’s get this clear.  I am a seminarian.  I have no interest in meeting singles in my area or any area.  I have no time for a job, and even if I did, I wouldn’t be allowed to have one.  And finally, I don’t care what Oprah thinks is the secret to a fabulous life.  I couldn’t afford it anyway.

So to you spammers out there, if you’re looking to grab me, try offering me discount clerical attire, or free spiritual books.  Thanks.

 

TV Commercial Rant

The other day I happened across a commercial that was attempting to sell reusable metal containers for people to tote water around instead of buying plastic bottles.  They made all kinds of pitches to induce you into buying such a container:

• Plastic bottles clog up landfills for eternity
• Ounce for ounce you pay so much more for bottled water than if you just drank from the tap
• Most bottled water is, in face, just glorified tap water anyway
• Recycling plastic bottles releases toxic chemicals which are apparently just as bad for the environment as having them occupy landfils
• Plastic bottles have been known to leach a synthetic estrogen, which can cause breast and other cancers.

Hmmmmm.  So a plastic bottle can cause the body to absorb synthetic estrogen.  The absorption of estrogen is, according to this source, a bad thing, because it can cause cancer.

But, ya know, there’s all those contraceptive “birth control” pills out there that are chock full of synthetic estrogen, and other hormones.  But it’s okay, there’s no cancer risk there.

Am I missing something?

 

A Nation in Need of a Civics Lesson

This morning, the radio station did an informal, unscientific “heard in the street” segment wherein they asked random people if they could name two Supreme Court Justices.  Then they asked if they could name two American Idol judges.

Not surprisingly, 7 of the 8 people polled could not name two of the Supremes.  I think all but two could name some subset of American Idol judges.

I think that’s pathetic.  I seem to recall a few years ago, there was a similar segment with the question being “can you name the current Vice-President” and most people could not.  Equally pathetic.  Wake up, America!  These are some of the most powerful people in the country right now.  You should, at the very least, know their names. 

Maybe it’s time we have a prime-time series covering basic civics.

 

To whoever developed whatever infected my computer

Yeah, you. The guy or girl who apparently has nothing better to do than to develop malware to wreak havoc with other people’s PC’s. You need a life. Seriously.  And this is coming from someone who often goes to sleep by 9:00 p.m. on weekends.

I admit, you have some pretty savvy skills to be able to create something so undetectable and indestructible.  But why?  Couldn’t you use your talents for something else?  Like making a version of Microsoft Excel that doesn’t crash?  What possible pleasure do you get from developing this crap?  You can’t claim ownership, or else you’d be lynched.  You have no idea who has been infected by your garbage, so you can’t keep score.  Unless you lurk on all the super-geek message boards where people like me submit their pleas for help and laugh maniacally with every new post.  In which case, again, I repeat: you need a life.

So what makes you write such malicious programs?  Are you that bored with your life?  Do you have nothing better to do with your time?  Maybe you should look into some volunteer opportunities then.  I’m sure a lot of non-profits would benefit from some computer geek’s help.

Does it make you happy to know that I spent the better part of two days trying to disinfect my PC, and I don’t think I’ve been successful?  Because I tell you what: it’s made me pissed as hell.

And hell is exactly where you probably belong.  For all eternity.  In fact, I’m about ready to wish an eternity on you that is so painful you’ll be looking at Judas with envy.  But I can’t do that.  But I don’t think I’d be in too much trouble if I wished you a long time in Purgatory for this.  So maybe that’s what I’ll do.

Just be careful.  You might not get someone so charitable next time.  Good luck if you get stuck with someone who believes in voodoo dolls.

 

The true meaning of the season

I think everyone is disgusted with the blatant commercialism surrounding this time of year.  Not only the same drivel we hear year after year of everyone telling us to buy buy buy, but this year adding to it that the fate of America’s economy seems to depend on how much stuff we give each other for Christmas.

But honestly, I’m also starting to tire of hearing about the ”true meaning” of Christmas/the Holidays/the season/this time of year as expressed by so many.  By “true meaning” in air quotes, I mean those who posit that November and December exist for us to remember the less fortunate and spend time with family and friends.

Huh?

Examples:

• TV/Radio station invites you to ccelebrate the “true meaning of the season” by donating a toy/canned good/new or gently-used coat/money to the drive that they are co-sponsoring along with a department store/Marine Corps/Boy Scouts/other media outlet.
• TV chef gets on a show to talk about family recipes for turkey and stuffing and says getting together with family and friends for good food is “what the holidays are all about.”
• Office volunteer group invites us to get “into the spirit of the season” by adopting a less fortunate family so that the kids can get some Christmas holiday gifts.
• Some hack makes a statement that this time of year is all about being with the ones we love and remembering the less fortunate.
• A song talks about a boy who wants to buy some shoes for his dying mother but doesn’t have enough money, so the guy behind him in line puts down the cash so the boy could buy those shoes, and as a result, the guy realizes through the boy “what Christmas is all about.”

It’s as if somehow the impending approach of the winter solstice should somehow rekindle in man a desire of benevolence and familial longing.  Rubbish.

Lest you all dismiss me as the offspring of Ebeneezer Scrooge and the Grinch, I better explain.

There are multiple holidays celebrated this time of year, and they all have different reasons behind them:

• Thanksgiving:  A day to give thanks for graces received..  Allegedly going back to the pilgrims holding a big feast to give thanks God for His granting them the grace and favor of surviving that year at Plymouth.
• Hanukkah:  After being defiled by pagans, the Jewish temple is rededicated.  This celebration commemorates that rededication.  Incidentally, we celebrate this holiday in some form within Christianity.  Catholics [are supposed to] celebrate with some solemnity the anniversaries of the dedication of their own churches — that’s why the Dedication of the Lateran Basilica is a feast for the entire Latin church.
• Christmas:  The birth of Jesus.  The promise of redemption comes true.  Our Savior is born.
• New Year’s Day: It’s a new year.  Celebrate what happened in the past, and look forward to what might come.
• Kwanzaa:  who knows; who cares?

Let’s also keep in mind that of the list above, Christmas is the predominant holiday, and what really motivates all the gift-giving and benevolence; the world just likes to pretend that the others hold the same weight to be politically correct and so we end up with “the season.”  Regardless of what holidays you include, looking at the reason for their existance, nowhere do we see “family, friends, and the less fortunate.”

Yes, recalling these events should inspire us to celebrate and give gifts, to perform acts of charity, and t0 spend time with our loved ones.  But these celebrations and acts are void of all meaning if we don’t remember WHY we’re actually engaged in such activity.  The example of St. Nicholas comes to mind.  His acts of charity were motivated out of a love for Christ and others, not because it was December.  St. Francis encouraged the people to give more hay to their animals at Christmastime so that they too could celebrate the birth of Christ.  The motivation should always be centered on Christ, and historically, always was.  Until we’ve decided to remove Him from our culture and our lives.

Several years ago, I read a pastoral letter by, I believe, Cardinal Rigali.  He made a comment that was incredibly striking, which I paraphrase as follows:  We do not celebrate some generic excuse for gift-giving.  We celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I want to say to everyone who’s got all this backward, please, continue to encourage acts of charity.  Continue to ask us to remember the less fortunate because they certainly need our help.  Continue to ask us to donate to those who do without, not only at Christmas, but year-round.  Continue to remind us to get together with family and friends and loved ones, and continue to give us ideas on what we can do and how we can do it.  But please, don’t insult us by saying that is what this time of year is all about.  Don’t insinuate that the reason for all this is to make ourselves feel good by doing good.  Cuz it’s not.

Recall that climactic moment of A Charlie Brown Christmas, when a disgruntled Charlie Brown shouts out in despair ”ISN’T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?”  And Linus replies: 

Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about…. “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”  That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

That’s what Christmas is all about folks.

 

Attention Liturgical Musicians

Please be advised that there is a whole repertory of Advent hymns out there.  You are NOT limited to The King of Glory Comes; Soon and Very Soon; and O Come O Come Emmanuel.  All you have to do is do a Google Search on “Advent hymns” and you’ll find quite a few.

The 3 referenced above are quite overused, dontchathink?  The first two are especially silly-sounding, and the last really shouldn’t be employed until December 17.  So do that google search and shake things up a bit for the next 3 Sundays, okay?

Thanks!

 

Down in Front!

Memo

To: The contingent of sisters and chatty old ladies who were at the closing Mass of 40 hours tonight
From: Me, and the dozens of others who were stuck behind you
Date: 11 November, Memorial of St. Martin of Tours
Re: Etiquette
***********************************************
Mesdames,

During tonight’s Eucharistic procession from the church to the conference room/makeshift chapel for Benediction, many of you opted not to join the procession but to take a shortcut into the room.  The rest of your lot were pretty close to the front of the procession and were the first to arrive.  So, you all ended up front and center.

Perhaps you were not aware of all the people who opted to kneel for the final moments of Adoration prior to Benediction, though you could have taken the cue from all of the priests, deacons, servers, (and the folks on your left and right) that were doing so.  That you all remained standing is not really a concern; it is understandable given your advanced age that kneeling may not be possible.

However, given that you all stood right smack in front of the altar, you blocked the view for the many people who were kneeling behind you.  As a result, instead of being able to gaze upon the Lord in humble Adoration, we were stuck gazing at the back of your legs.  Not quite the same experience. 

Now, you probably didn’t think of this, but the chapel was set up in a large, empty space.  There were no pews or chairs or any other obstructions and people just filtered in and stood or knelt where able.  You probably also didn’t notice another large group of elderly ladies and gentlemen who were also unable to kneel on the floor, who opted to stand off to the side and to the back of the room.  In so doing, they allowed those of us who opted to kneel to do so with minimal visual obstruction both for themselves and for us.

Perhaps next time a similar situation arises, you too could take a lesson from your brethren and move off to the side and back somewhere, and let those who are going to kneel in front.  Really, this is simple courtesy.  Then everyone will have an opportunity to see Our Lord, and see the Benediction.  Your fellow parishoners would be most thankful if you did.

We were kind about it this time.  But the temptation to shout “move out of the way” was most definitely there.  As was the temptation to turn a missalette into a missile and knock you down.  I can’t promise we’ll be so restrained next time.  Because given a choice of looking at Our Lord in the Eucharist and looking at your cankles, most of us would rather Jesus.

 

Grrr, it happened again!

Remember this post when I said the following:

A few weeks ago at dinner with friends on a Friday, we got into quite a rant about that Haugen-Haas special “Gather Us In [even though we're already here].”  I had done a rather humorous interpretive liturgical dance to accompany the silliness of the latter verses….  The next day, I’d heard the Gilligan’s Island theme song, so of course I sang Amazing Grace to the tune (it works — try it).  Well, Sunday came around, and wouldn’t you know it, the gathering song was “Gather Us In” and “Amazing Grace” was on deck for the offertory or Communion.

Well, last week, I was reflecting on this, and realized that we hadn’t heard a particularly annoying setting of the Ordinary.  I think it’s the “Mass of Glory.”  It’s a strange setting, kind of gospel-y in a way, but what I really don’t like is how the emphasis really is on the accompaniment (which works best on piano, NOT organ).  In other words, the focus isn’t on what’s being sung/prayed, but rather the musicianship behind it.  Unfortunately, it’s almost a rather catchy tune, and I guess a lot of people like it.  Anyway, I realized it’d been over a year since I’d heard it, and I was quite happy with the Mass of Creation and the Heritage Mass settings that we’d been alternating between, and would not have objected if this setting got thrown into the dustbin for good.

Sure enough, this Sunday, we got to the Sanctus and I hear the opening bars of the Mass of Glory Setting.  AAArrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!! 

Okay, so you know what I REALLY don’t like?  The setting of the Ordinary in Latin!  That’s right, that basic chant tone is just awful, and I hope to never hear it again.  Oh, and I really don’t like the Tantum Ergo; what an awful hymn.  And while we’re at it, if I never hear Holy God, We Praise Thy Name again, it’ll be too soon.   

Someone help me come up with some off-the-wall liturgical dances to go along with these treasures, okay?

 

Note to Walkers, Joggers, Runners, and Cyclists

You ever notice how when you come to an intersection of two roads, and there’s those red, yellow, and green lights that hang from poles or wires, and people seem to react to the color of the lights?  For instance, when the light is red, the cars tend to stop, and when it’s green, they tend to go?  And did you ever notice how they’re usually in synch, so that traffic moving in one or another direction doesn’t end up hitting traffic going in the other?  It’s pretty neat how those work.

If you haven’t noticed, take a moment to watch and learn.  It’s pretty neat to see the coreography and how traffic seems to be controlled by these red, yellow, and green signals.  In fact, dear reader, they even call these lights “traffic signals” because they signal the movement of traffic.

Now, here’s the best part.  YOU TOO are required BY LAW  to follow the signals given by the traffic lights.  If you’re on a bike, you have to stop when it’s red and can only go when it’s green, just like a car.  If you’re on foot, you cannot cross the street if you’re facing a red signal.  IT’S THE LAW.  Oh, and to make it even more obvious, many of these lights have little pedestrian indicators on them too, with a raised red hand or a green stick figure walking to indicate that you should wait or walk, respectively.

This is for your own safety, dear pedestrian or cyclist.  Because when your light is red, the cars in the other direction have a green light, and are not expecting you to come darting across their lane of travel.  So do yourself a favor and FOLLOW THE LAW when it comes to traffic signals and waiting until it is legal to do so.  You just might end saving yourself some serious injury.  At the very least, you’re likely to avoid angering a driver who has to wait for you to waddle your butt across the road.  Okay?

Oh, and a special note to the cyclists.  I will gladly “Share the Road.”  But then you need to step up and follow the rules of the road as well.  Which means you stop at stop signs, you signal when you’re turning, you don’t bike around the railroad crossing gates.  In other words, you don’t just go riding around as if all of us car riders will part for you like the Red Sea parted for the Isrealites.

I think if the police put as much effort into enforcing jaywalking and illegal cycling maneuvers as much as they do into enforcing speeding, they’d make a boatload more money (much easier than chasing down speeders too!) and we’d prevent a lot of accidents caused by pedestrian stupidity.

 

I always thought old people liked it warm….or another reason for religious to wear their habits

The A/C was on the fritz in the Daily Mass chapel this morning.  Despite all thermostats being turned to “cool” and set to 68 degrees, it was registering 76 in the room.  Not unbearable, but add the heat of the lights and everyone sitting together and it can get uncomfortable fast.  I had turned on the circulating fans, but you could tell that the compressors weren’t kicking in.

A few minutes before Mass, while we’re waiting for Father to arrive, Sister Ugly Frumpy Swollen Ankles of the Gender-Neutral references to God comes back to the sacristy and says to us that it’s too hot in there.  We explain that apparently the A/C isn’t working properly and there isn’t much we can do (we’re sacristans, not maintenance).  She snips, “can’t you at least turn off the heat?”  I respond that the heat isn’t on.  She counters with “what’s all the rumbling we can hear?”  I explain that it’s the recirculating fans, which are at least providing us some air movement, but the A/C compressor seems to not be working and there isn’t much more we can do.  She left in a huff.

Once she was out of earshot (which, given her antiquity, was about 10 feet), I told my fellow sacristans that if their order would abandon the ugly polyester blouse and skirt and return to habits made out of natural, breathable fabric, she may not be so hot.  Oh, and she probably could have removed the heavy cardigan sweater she was wearing too if she thought it was that hot.  There was an ugly polyester blouse underneath afterall.

Sorry, sister, but some perspiration might do you some good.  All that fluid you’re retaining might leech out.